


Back To The Forest

by Believemeitsover



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: AU, Angst, Anxiety, Closeted Character, Depression, Dissociation, Evan and Connor were friends AU, F/M, Heartbreak, Light Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Social Anxiety, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-15
Updated: 2017-06-15
Packaged: 2018-11-14 09:52:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11205606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Believemeitsover/pseuds/Believemeitsover
Summary: After Connor's death, Evan's suppressed feelings begin to bubble to the surface and he finds that he doesn't know how to deal with them.





	Back To The Forest

**Author's Note:**

> An AU where Connor and Evan were in fact friends before Connor's death.

Evan sips his coffee slowly, drawing it out as if he could take part of himself back by doing so. His therapist and his mother both warned him against drinking it – because of his anxiety – but he did it out of spite.

“Good morning, sweetie.” His mom, Heidi, greets him softly. She now speaks to him as if he’s a small animal, like someone who can’t survive on their own. She sits down across from him at the small table. “How are you feeling? Are you tired? You don’t usually drink coffee. You know that it’s not good for you Evan.”

He takes another sip. “I’m fine mom. Are you working today?” Evan asks.

“No,” She answers. “Why do you ask?”

Evan shrugs and looks out the kitchen window. He wonders about the world beyond his small home with his mom. He fights with himself internally, attempting to suppress the anger he feels knowing that it’s possible he’ll never find anyone else who understands him. No one like Connor.

“What are your plans for today, huh? I think maybe it’s about time you start getting back out there, don’t you? You’ve been holing yourself up in that room of yours since the funeral, you haven’t even talked to Zoe.” Says Heidi, sounding tired. “I’m sure she’s worried sick about you.”

“Zoe’s fine, mom. She and Connor weren’t close.” Evan claims. He glances at his mom briefly before bowing his head and fixing his eyes on a stain on the table. “Maybe not, but she knows you and Connor were, so she understands that you’re grieving. She is your girlfriend Evan, why not go see her?”

“Yeah mom, great idea. I’ll just show up at her house and tell her how wonderful I’m feeling.” Evan retorts sarcastically. “I’m quite positive the last thing her family needs is another depressed teen walking around their house.”

Heidi sighs in defeat. She stares at her only son, searching for an answer to his problems, but Evan is completely closed off to her now. She watches as he finishes his coffee and places his mug firmly back on the table.

She stands up and grabs his mug, taking it to the sink.

“Hungry?” She asks.

“No.”

“How’s your arm doing?”

“Still broken.”

Heidi begins to fill up the dishwasher, and Evan remains seated at the table. They continue the silence for a few moments, both lost in their own trances of personal torment. Suddenly, Evan stands, making his chair screech against the tiles.

“Actually, mom… Er, before Connor, you know, did what he did, he told me about his favourite place in the world. I was thinking I could maybe go there, and set up a memorial for him.” Evan pauses to regain his breathe. “I mean, Connor didn’t have a lot of friends so it’s not likely that anyone else will do it…” He trails off, his confidence wavering. Heidi offers him a gentle smile.

“Oh, Evan, that’s a wonderful idea honey.” She assures him. “Just be back in a few hours, and we’ll have dinner together, alright? You haven’t eaten in days…”

“Yeah mom, for sure, I’ll be back soon.” Evan says, now itching to leave. His mother gives him one last reassuring smile, and Evan tries haphazardly to return it as he grabs his car keys and heads out the door.

*** * ***

Evan exits the florist with a bouquet of mixed flowers that give off a calming aroma. He hauls them to his car and places them gently in the backseat. He then slides into the driver’s seat, buckles himself in and stamps his foot hard on the break before starting the engine. He almost manages to smile at himself, realizing that there are certain things he just can’t screw up.

He begins his drive to the Autumn Smiles Apple Orchard. Before Connor took his own life, he told Evan about this place he and his family used to go have picnics. Back when Connor still felt like his family cared about him. Evan had asked Connor to take him there, but Connor refused claiming that it was stupid and it was shutdown anyways.

_“C’mon Connor, please?” Evan begs. “I’m sure it’s a really nice place.”_

_Connor chuckles. “Sure, I’ll take you there. But only if you kiss me.”_

Evan tears up at the memory of him and Connor sitting in his car. Sometimes he would wonder if he should’ve told Zoe about it, but now that Connor was gone he figured it probably didn’t matter anyway.

He arrives at the orchard feeling uneasy. He contemplates whether he really deserved to be there, without Connor. With an unfamiliar sense of certainty, Evan decides it’s the right thing to do.

Before getting out of the car, he begins to write the note to go with the flowers, to commemorate Connor, and his relationship with him.

“I miss you.” Evan whispers to himself, choking back tears. “I miss you so much, Connor.”

Finished writing the note, Evan steps out of his car and heads into the orchard. Upon seeing it for the first time, he wishes he hadn’t told the story to Cynthia and Larry that he had been here before. The emotions he felt now could never have been expressed properly in that lie he fed them. Besides, he didn’t feel that it was right to place their mourning on a false event, but he thought perhaps he was helping them.

Unexpectedly, his phone begins to vibrate in his pocket. Evan stops walking, considering the consequences of not answering to certain people. He decides to answer anyway.

“Hello?” Evan mumbles.

“Hey, what’s up man, are you okay?” It’s Jared.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Evan lies. He’s sure that Jared can hear his heartbeat through the phone. There’s a brief silence while Jared carefully thinks of what to say.

“Well um… I figured you could use some, er, bro time. So maybe come over to my house? We could have a gaming marathon and pig out on leftovers?” Jared sounds very cautious inviting him over. Evan tries to swallow the lump in his throat.

“Um, yeah Jared, thanks. That would be awesome, actually.” Evan accepts with tears forming in his eyes. He hears Jared heave a sigh of relief. “Great, bud. I’ll see you soon.” Jared says.

“Yeah, totally.” Evan hangs up. He continues towards the large tree he has his eyes set on, seemingly the biggest one in the orchard. When he arrives at the base of the tree, he immediately sets down the flowers and tucks the folded note within in them. The note reads “for Connor.” Wiping his tears away, Evan looks up the length the tree and then begins to climb it.

 _I wonder… Maybe if I just keep climbing and never stop, I could make it to heaven. I could make it to you._ Evan thinks. He knows that it’s stupid, but when he stops to think about it, everything he was doing was stupid.

After what could’ve been hours, he makes it to the highest branch that will hold his weight. He looks down and is momentarily overcome with lightheadedness realizing how far down it is. He sits down on the branch and pulls his phone again. He waits patiently as the call connects.

“Hello? Evan?” Zoe’s worried voice flows through the phone. Evan sighs happily.

“Hey Zoe, are you okay?” Evan asks. Zoe chuckles. “Yeah, Evan, I’m fine but I’m freaking out about you. Are you okay?”

“Yes.” Evan tells her. “No. But it’s fine, I’ll be fine. I need a favour.”

“Yes of course Evan, whatever you need.” Zoe agrees.

“Come to the old orchard. With my mom. Now, please.”

“Evan… Why?” Evan doesn’t say anything for a while. This was his chance to change his mind, and tell her never mind, and that he’s on his way to see her. Unfortunately, all of these thoughts passed, and he began to cry.

“Just… I love you. But I also loved Connor, and I’m just… So lost.” He tries to explain.

“Evan… I don’t understand.” Zoe says. Evan heaves a deep sigh.

“I was in love with Connor. I’m still in love with him.” Evan finally admits.

“Evan, wait –“ But he’s already hung up. Nervously, he stands up on the branch, no longer afraid of leaving his mom and Zoe behind, but also scared that it might be painful.

 _You’re okay._ He hears Connor’s voice in his head. _I miss you._

“I miss you too.” Evan sobs. He squeezes his eyes shut tightly and takes one last deep breathe.

Then he lets go.

*** * ***

“Heidi!” Zoe’s frantic voice rings through the house. She runs into the kitchen, panting. “Heidi! It’s Evan! He called me saying he’s at the abandoned orchard, he said he felt lost and that he was in love with Connor and I think he’s about to do something stupid!” Zoe’s words spill out jumbled and mixed with sobs.

“Oh my god…” Heidi barely manages to whisper before the two girls are bolting out of the door.

They speed all the way to the orchard, and by the time they get there, Zoe is wracked with sobs. She’s doubled over in her seat, losing her mind. Meanwhile, Heidi sits beside her in disbelief, no specific emotion taking control yet.

Both of them get out of the car, and Heidi’s breathe escapes her when she sees that Evan’s car is parked a few feet away.

 _This is not happening._ Heidi thinks.

Starting with a tentative walk, the girls enter the orchard, but they soon both begin to run, and then sprint across the field screaming Evan’s name. Zoe stumbles over her own feet multiple times while Heidi manages to beeline towards the trees with no problem.

‘Evan!” She yells, panicking. “Evan I’m here! I love you!” She loses her breathe and has to pause to lean over her knees. Through the corner of her eye, she sees Zoe zip past her. Heidi can hear her shouting Evan’s name, but it sounds distant, as if Heidi were underwater.

 _You’re fine, he’s fine._ She tells herself, beginning to move again. However, she only covers a few short feet before Zoe releases an earsplitting shriek.

“No! NO!” Heidi hears her scream and watches, frozen, as the young girl falls to her knees bawling over a limp figure.

“Oh… Evan…”


End file.
